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Fiction

Ducks Don’t Like Fritos

By: Dan Nielson
He took the standardized test and went from Slow to Genius. He moved to a place where everything was…

Ducks Don’t Like Fritos

By: Dan Nielsen

He took the standardized test and went from Slow to Genius. He moved to a place where everything was free.

He set the clock radio for ON instead of ALARM.

“Mary had a brief affair with a shepherd named Moe,” the radio said.

He dreamed zippers. He dreamed alphabetically. This was his final dream. 

At Mother Superior Genius School, their mission is to educate the smartest people to believe in God because lots of people believe in God, but few of them are educated and smart.

The light bulb burned out. He went to the convenience store. The convenience store was miles away. A Piggly Wiggly sat across the street. He knew where the light bulbs were at the convenience store; he had no idea where they were at The Pig. The last time he went to Piggly Wiggly for a light bulb, he left The Pig with a bag of Fritos.

He didn’t like Fritos. He fed them to ducks. The ducks didn’t like them either but ate them anyway.

***

It’s dark as he arrives at the convenience store. He wonders what time the ON went off. He unscrews the top of a two-liter Diet Cherry Coke. He doesn’t want it. He likes the sound and the fizz. The clerk doesn’t say anything.

He goes directly to the place where the light bulbs are. They aren’t there.


Dan Nielsen is a part-time stand-up comic. His least favorite flavor of jelly is petroleum. Most recent FLASH in: Defenestration, The Daily Drunk, Backchannels, Potato Soup Journal, and Jokes Review. Dan has a website: Preponderous, you can follow him @DanNielsenFIVES. He and Georgia Bellas are the post-minimalist art/folk band Sugar Whiskey.